Cancer free does not feel that free.  It feels like a dark shadow always behind me and I am trying to stay a few steps ahead of it at all times.

Everyone thinks you are done when you are told “no sign of cancer”.  Note the words that are used, I was never told I was cancer free, just they couldn’t see any sign when they looked at the histology after my mastectomy and full lymph node removal.

I understand the terminology used as cancer cells are so small and the medics can’t be 100% sure. But how I wish they could have announced I was “cancer free and it will never come back”.  Unfortunately, that was not the case.

I have huge guilt that I seem ungrateful after being told my treatment was a success.  Of course, I know I am one of the lucky ones but that does not change how I have felt every day since.

The problem for me is that everyone around me thinks I am OK.  The problem has passed. They can all breath and move on as seeing me sick is uncomfortable for them. Many people find it uncomfortable if I mention it. So, I try not to. But the truth is I need to talk about it.  Often people tell me I need to be grateful and to forget it ever happened. A way to stop me talking  But I want each person that says that to walk a few steps of this journey in my shoes and see what they say then.

 In my case its almost 2 years since I got given the “no sign of cancer”.  A day to celebrate and no more treatment.  But in reality, treatment continues, check-ups continue and anxiety levels increase every day. I know I am one of the lucky ones.

It’s hard to forget cancer when you are still going in for regular checks.  Others tell me that it’s great I am being checked over regularly but each check comes with its own build-up of anxiety.   I have always thought I was a strong person but since completing my cancer treatment I think I have suffered some PTSD effects.  This is not diagnosed but I worry every day that cancer may return.  My type of cancer has quite a high recurrence rate and that lays heavily at the back of my mind, a shadow lurking.

I worry every time I have an ache or pain that it might be cancer returning.  Even with my past medical knowledge as an Osteopath I have trouble not thinking it is cancer returning in every instance.

I am triggered every time I return to the hospital where I had my treatment.  A place that saved my life and was excellent in everything it did for me.  But just being back on the ward is a trigger.  Seeing sick people still going through treatment hurts deeply as I know how hard it is.   I try to smile at everyone I see to give them some sort of emotional support.

 I have to go back for 6 monthly infusions of Zoledronic Acid which is to keep my bones strong and try to prevent the cancer returning in my bones.  I have to sit on the chemo ward again and each time I have to hold back the tears.  The memory of the chemotherapy is strong even though the staff are all like angels.  Only a few friends know this is happening as I am not meant to mention cancer anymore.  It makes others feel uncomfortable.

If you know someone who has gone through cancer be aware that their journey will never be over.  It will change and each person will have a different way of coping.  Listen if someone wants to talk about it.  Don’t try and distract them or belittle their feelings.  If they wish to remain silent about it all then respect that.  But please don’t tell them they should be grateful and to forget things.    We are all grateful but to forget is impossible.